She looked like she was having a meltdown. At the time, due to its infrequency, I wasn’t sure the cause. I did know that it was getting old quickly and growing on my last nerves. As time went on, my daughter simply refused to eat. She would just sit in her high chair for a few minutes and then start her tantrum.

Initially I thought that I should not give in by pulling her out, maybe it would pass. Nope, not with my daughter. It just got worse. She’s 19 months and I’m 6 months pregnant…you can imagine how my lack of patience and her head strong behaviors did not match up well.

I decided to quit the high chair. Apparently it was too restraining for her – a child who is a mover, likes to dance, takes breaks from eating, and overall tends to graze all day, does not want to be cooped up.

Meals are not all that fun in our house, although I can totally understand…when not pregnant, I share similar eating habits. Now we put out a mini table and chairs for her. She may sit down for a few minutes and eat her food, with a lot of prompting and “helping” to focus. Then she jumps up, dances around, and sings. Her fits have decreased, which is a blessing for me.

With my daughter taking over my life, it now takes me months to accomplish a simple task. The other day I really thought it was Tuesday and when my mother called to say she was on her way over for Friday night movie, I thought she was kidding. I lost track of everything outside my living room – I only see the daylight and night time.

Outside this, I know when its getting close to specific holidays by the commercials playing on tv, and the cards in the store. I imagine this is common for stay at home mothers, but I don’t want to assume. This is just my version of the story.

I really can’t comprehend how mothers go to work. I mean not from an emotional point of view, just literally how can they do it all? I tried to set the alarm a few times just to go to the gym and couldn’t even function. Perhaps I am not a true multitasker. I really don’t know what you call it, but whatever makes the rest of the world work, I don’t have that skill.

We were on sabatical in the living room, the couches became our new home, as we watched and waited for this tiny being to make a sound from her bassinet. Nobody told me that newborns make all kinds of noises when they sleep.

I believe 20 minutes of sleep was impressive for me at that time. I remember my friend told me that we should put her in the other room so we could get some sleep. This horrifying thought almost killed me, I swear. What if she cried – oh god, the thought was so tormenting.

What if she was scared, cold, or hungry. Okay, so again, 20 minutes of sleep…. Occasionally she slept on my husband’s chest, which I had to watch while he slept too. My God, what if she fell off!

Gradually, we moved her into her crib. I started off letting her play in her crib for a few minutes. I was so scared to leave her there alone – what if spiders crawled all over her?

It was so hard to bear the thought. But, I did have my handy dandy video monitor to spy on her constantly. The poor child will never feel abandoned, but possibly overburdened. It took a while for my husband and I to actually meet back in the bed. It was like we just met.

We had to get used to a body next to us and all the extra sounds that come with this. I think we were on the couches for 3 months…long enough to leave indents and stenches of our bodies.

Around 6 months, Madison started to get chronic ear infections. We were at the doctor’s office regularly, usually going during open office hours. This meant we saw a different doctor almost everytime, each had their own theory and protocal.

By 12 months, Madison had been on about 9 antibiotics with 7 ear/sinus infections. We had been asking about seeing an ENT for months, but each doctor kept saying “let’s wait and see.” At 12 months I schedule the ENT appointment on my own.

Turns out her acid/reflux problem may have been causing the ongoing fluid build up in her ears. The ENT doctor suggested tubes and a biopsy of her esophogus to see if we had her on the correct medicine. It frustrates me that we did not receive the referral earlier from her primary doctor. Even further, the lack of corrective diagnosis was troubling.

At times we would go to the doctor with a possible ear infection to find a week later we were back in the office with a sinus infection. Initially we would be sent home with possible tooth pain.

If the doctor’s would have checked her nose, throat, and ears at all visist, especially with her history, we could have saved her from so many antibiotics. At one appointment I asked the doctor to check her nose and the doctor’s response was, “If she doesn’t have an ear infection, she wouldn’t have one in her sinuses either.” And yet a week later, voila! She had a sinus infection.

As a first time parent, I had put all my trust in the doctors. Now, I know that we have to be in charge of our children’s care, including demanding specific tests and referrals at times. Now our daughter has a tantrum when we even drive up to the doctor’s office, which lasts for hours. Its not fun for her or for us.

Don’t forget to visit the Carnival of Kids Health at http://blogcarnival.com/bc/cprof_4667.html

Oh my god, if my husband reads this, he will really think I am crazy. I remember telling him that no one was allowed to come to visit at the hospital – they would infringe on our time.

I was really scared that people would take over my role as the control taker. That’s right, not care taker, control taker. I believe I’ve just labeled myself correctly. I was sincerely scared that people would come visit and want to hold her – putting their germs all over her, teaching her about the world. That’s my job!

Ummm….again, back to reality. I don’t think I will lose my daughter just by people visiting. I am so neurotic.

This stemmed into odd and uncomfortable conversations with my husband about our in-laws visiting. We both agree that we are the only ones who will raise our daughter, no day care or otherwise.

We also both needed to feel comfortable with our child interacting with family. Sadly, I don’t really think he had a problem – it was more my issue and all the made-up scenarios in my head.

I didn’t want our daughter to cry so we had to be present during every interaction and instruct people on how they were “allowed” to be with her. OH, so crazy. Are other people like this? I admit that I have a problem but I figure I may change with a second child.

How about I decide to follow the “rules” and pump for all her feedings – even every 2 hours at night! At 4 months old, she started solids and I had lost my mind. I quit. I took back my boobs, my body, and guess what….she survived.

The pump hurts like hell, especially the electrical ones. Okay, now I understand how cows feel…but they may actually like it. Nothing like sitting in the living room half naked, unshowered, fat with post pregnancy weight, and two pumps stuck to your chest pulling your nipples through a suction hold the size of a pea. Go ahead men…put your penis in a there and see how that feels.

The biology of it all was bad enough, let alone the mental anguish. I remember trying to breast feed my daughter one night at 4 am, again with about 20 minutes of sleep in 24 hours. She wouldn’t feed and started crying. I lost it too.

This thing that is supposed to be sooo bonding was just the opposite to me. It was horrifying most of the time. I remember carrying her into the bedroom where my husband was asleep like an angel – I just started bawling and told him to take her.

I think I damn near gave him an anuerism because he jumped out of bed ready to save the world. When he realized what was going on, I think he said something like “oh, that’s all.”

That night began the sharing of the baby watch….since I am crazy, she must be watched at all times day and night. You never know who may try to steal her out of her bedroom window – come on, its in the news about twice a year! I won’t be a statistic!

It takes on a ridiculous turn when I actually check her temperature every half hour when she’s sleeping, or when she rolls over. I remember my brother’s girlfriend, whom I’ve met three times thus far, told me to “sit down, she’s fine,” when we were trying to watch a movie at night on one of their visits.

It’s of no surprise that my husband says that caring for our daughter means you must abide by “Katie’s Rules.” Apparently I criticize every more he makes since its not done my way.

Other things that are by far ridiculous is my inability to even take her out of the house without first packing a suit case of her food, toys, diapers, and clothes – you must be prepared for the unexpected (like a tornado or sudden terential rain storm).

On top of this, I plan activities according to her nap schedule and her mood that day. Since she freaks out when we go outside the home, I have to ensure that I am mentally prepared for her outbursts (maybe its my social phobia that we are really talking about).

People have told me to just let her cry, its good for her. Somewhere in life I learned that crying indicates an unmet need….so I disagree. I don’t want her to experience any pain, sadness, or negativity….oh my, she’s never leaving the house. Yes, I am very, very,very protective. This perhaps may be a problem – you think!

I know, I know, I’m teaching her bad habits. I was advised to cut the strings at a year, but still have valid reasons for doing so. First, my daughter was sick just about every month from 6 months on.

Consequently, she wouldn’t eat often unless she was partially asleep. Second, my daughter is not able to drink Vitamin D, Soy, Rice, or other milk products. She also won’t drink formula during the day.

For this reason, I still give her the essential vitamins in her formula at night. Yes, I am sleep deprived but have the luxury of taking a nap during the day since I get to stay home with her.

Third, my daughter has never had to cry to ask for food. When she wakes up during the night, the formula gets her back to sleep rather quickly…usually. When I don’t give her a bottle, we spend hours together where she wants to play.

If I’m going to be up anyway, I’m giving her the bottle. My theory is that when she turns two we can wean her off the bottle since she can then switch to an alternative.

Maybe I am teaching her body to be hungry every 5 hours. Maybe I am teaching her that food helps her sleep. Regardless, I think I’m doing right for her.

She has “told” us so far when she is ready for something new; perhaps she will gradually move away from formula on her own and sleep more soundly at night. Let’s hope so…baby #2 is due a month before she turns 2.